


Love Like Religion

by lilaccoffee



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Closeted Harry, Coming Out, Daddy Kink, Emotional Sex, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Famous Harry, Famous Liam, Famous Zayn, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Non-Famous Louis, Non-Famous Niall, Phone Sex, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaccoffee/pseuds/lilaccoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is a famous singer. He's gay and can't be. Louis is the boy he fucks behind his girlfriend's back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Like Religion

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on Halsey's "Coming Down" and Hedley's "Kiss You Inside Out." Title taken from "Coming Down" by Halsey. 
> 
> For Veronica, just like everything else I write. You inspired me to write this whether you know it or not. Thank you for being great xx.

Harry first met Louis at an award show. It was Harry’s first big public appearance since he’d hit the scene a year ago. He was only seventeen; young, baby faced, and painfully naïve. Louis was endeared by him.

Louis was a barely known reporter at the time, fresh out of college at the ripe age of twenty with a new journalism degree. Everyone was trying to get photos of Harry and interview him. He was the newest star. He was the _it_ guy. An article with Harry with his name printed at the top would surely boost Louis’ popularity.

At first that was all Louis was in it for—the popularity. He had a plan: get noticed, ask question, write a stellar report and watch as his career climbed. But he’d be lying if he said that he hadn’t noticed how cute Harry was. He, like everyone else on the planet, had a bit of a crush on the kid. Naturally, things didn’t go as planned.

Harry wasn’t hard to miss. He was known for his bold fashion statements, and that day was no exception. He was dressed in a striped maroon suit, dark curls falling over his eyes. His teenage acne had been covered up. He looked grown up. Only his boyish features and the innocence in his pretty green eyes gave away his age.

Louis fought his way through the crowd of reporters and screaming girls to talk to him. He was just like any other reporter there, cheap microphone, bored camera man, but that didn’t stop him.

Harry was with a girl when Louis managed to get to him. They were laughing and chatting as they posed for pictures, ignoring the reporters who called to them. Louis recognized her. She was Alexa Young, Harry’s rumoured girlfriend. This was their first real public appearance together. Louis guessed it wasn’t much of a rumour after all.

“Harry!” Louis called. He was ignored. For a second he worried that he’d be like all the other reporters, unwanted and lost in a sea of everyone else striving for Harry’s attention. He wasn’t about to be beat.

He tried again.

“Harry!”

Alexa nodded her head in Louis’ direction and rolled her eyes. She was two years older than Harry, and she was used to the constant attention from paparazzi and news reporters. Harry was not. He was excited, eager to be recognized and to have stories printed about him. It would wear off soon enough, but for now, everyone let him have his moment. After all, it was his innocence and charm that made the world go crazy for him.

“Hi.” Harry smiled at Louis, dimples on display. God, he was cute. Everyone knew it. Louis didn’t want to be like everyone else.

“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” Louis asked him. “I’m Louis Tomlinson, by the way. I work for Chanel Seven.”

“I know. I watch your program sometimes,” Harry replied. “You seem to always know the latest on the celebrities. I’m guessing you want me to be the next big story?”

Louis was taken aback. He was hyperaware on everyone’s eyes on him, especially Harry’s. Reporters were buzzing, as if they could feel the electric charge between the two of them. Louis’ stomach curled with warmth the longer he held Harry’s attention.

Louis smiled. “Do you have time to talk later? I’ve got a list of questions in my car. I think it’d be beneficial for me to ask them in a private setting.”

He was bluffing. There was no list, he had everything memorized. But he wanted time alone with Harry, without Alexa or other reporters or crying fans.

“Sure,” Harry replied. He lowered his voice. “Meet me out back after my performance. I’ll have time to talk then.”

“Great. See you then.” Louis smiled to himself and motioned for his camera man to follow him as he walked away.

Louis watched Harry win an award and recorded his speech to play on the news later. Then he watched him perform with butterflies fluttering in his stomach for what was about to come. He had crushed on Harry for months, but really, who hadn’t? He was the next big thing. Everyone loved him. It was impossible not to.

Louis fixed himself up in dingy bathroom before he went to meet with Harry. He combed his fingers through his hair and smoothed out his shirt. His tie was lopsided. He straightened it with a quick tug, satisfied with the results.

He was ready.

Harry was waiting for him on the stairwell. Louis lowered himself down beside him. Cool cement chilled is skin. He cracked his knuckles.

“Dream come true?” Harry asked sarcastically.

“Why are you so bitter?” Louis chuckled. “The world of fame not what you expected?”

To his astonishment, Harry just grinned.

“Is anything ever what it seems?” Harry said.

“I guess not.” Louis looked into his eyes. Harry looked tired. He was too young to be so exhausted. “You know, you’re not as innocent as the media makes you out to be.”

Harry snorted. “The media has a lot of ideas. We’re all playing a part. No one knows what the truth is. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember.”

Louis didn’t have time to question why Harry was telling him all this. He was too busy fawning over him.

He cracked a grin.

“This isn’t an interview, I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he admitted. “I wanted time to talk to you. I wanted to see if you’re really how people make you out to be.”

“Am I?” Harry asked.

Louis shook his head. “No. You’re better.”

“It’s funny. Aren’t reporters supposed to be in your face and obnoxious?” Harry said. He seemed amused.

“I’ve never been one to follow the rules.”

They talked for hours, sat there on the staircase. They giggled and chatted like old friends, and Louis was surprised at how simple it all felt. It was easy to forget that celebrities had emotions, that they weren’t just mindless drones programmed for the benefit of the media.

They exchanged numbers and promised to call each other. Louis was giggling like an idiot, and Harry’s dopey grin proved that he felt the same fuzziness in his gut.

That was it, they just kind of happened.

-

“Harry!”

“Harry, look over here!”

“Alexa! Harry!”

This was what Harry’s life had become. In the past two years, his popularity had only grown. He hadn’t been home in over a year. He was too busy topping charts and performing. He barely had time for Louis anymore. The fact that they had to sneak around behind Alexa’s back, Harry’s management, _the world_ , didn’t make it much easier.

Since he and Louis started dating and since he realized that being gay wasn’t going to work, Harry had lost his naivety. He was still too young for all of this, barely nineteen years old. Growing up in the spotlight under scrutiny and scorn wasn’t easy. It wasn’t for anyone, but for a young kid like Harry? It was a wonder that he hadn’t flown off the handle.

Harry stood poised on the red carpet for yet another award show. He had gone to so many that he had forgotten the names of all of them. He had stopped caring. All he knew was that he was nominated for two awards and was scheduled to perform in the middle of the show.

He’d be on the news tomorrow. He’d win the awards. It had been the same routine for years now. Harry had grown tired of it.

Alexa was on his arm, posing for pictures with him. She was smiling, leaning against him with her hand pressed to his chest and the other around his arm. Harry couldn’t bring himself to smile. He used to, when he was still seventeen and thought getting photos taken of him was the best thing in the world. Now the blinding lights and the constant screams of his name was overwhelming.

Harry kept Alexa around to keep up the charade he was playing. He loved her, but as a friend, not like the romantic way she loved him. He felt bad for playing her like this, making her a pawn in his fucked up game, but he didn’t know of any other choice. She was supportive of his career and she was good company. He wished he could tell her that he wasn’t really in love with her, that he couldn’t be if he tried, but he wasn’t ready. He didn’t know if he ever would be.

Harry felt too hot. Sweat beads formed on his forehead from the heat of the lights. Too many bodies were gathered around, making it difficult to breathe. Alexa tugged on his arm and they started walking into the venue, though it did nothing to calm Harry’s nerves.

“I need to go for a quick walk,” he said.

She frowned at him. “Right now? Harry, you have to be on that stage for an award in forty minutes.”

He cupped his hands around his throat and made a gagging noise.

“I feel like I can’t breathe, Lex,” he said, using the nickname that he knew made her weak in the knees. “I’ll be back in time to perform, I just need a breather.”

She sighed, but Harry could tell by the tone of it that she had given in. She gently touched his arm, studying his face. The raw love and honestly in her eyes caused Harry to look away.

“Okay,” she murmured. “I’ll be waiting for you. I love you.”

Harry nodded, his mouth dry. He couldn’t bring himself to reciprocate her words. Instead, he planted a kiss on her forehead and took off out the back entrance.

The limo he and Alexa arrived in was parked outside the venue, just like the driver promised. Harry knocked on the driver’s window to get his attention. He jumped and took his feet off the dashboard, dropping the magazine he was reading on his lap.

He rolled down the window.

“Mr. Styles?” he said.

Harry wrinkled his nose up in distaste. He hated when people called him that, but he had learned years ago that his status made peopled too intimidated to call him Harry.

“Can you unlock the back?” Harry asked.

The driver didn’t ask questions. He nodded and rolled his window up. A clicking sound signaled the doors were unlocked.

Harry stepped into the car and let out a sigh of relief. He dropped his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. He took in a deep breath and felt himself relax.

He slipped his phone out from the waistband of his boxers. A text from Louis was displayed on the lock screen.

_Hi, baby! I hope the show is going good. I’m watching now. I can’t wait to see you perform. I know you’re going to win those awards. Good luck! I love you xx._

Harry smiled and felt something warm rush up his spine. This was the feeling of security and comfort that only Louis could provide.

Harry missed him. He missed his voice, his touch. It had been too long since they’d seen each other.

Louis picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, love. You taking a break for a bit?” he asked.

Harry couldn’t help but smile. Louis knew him so well, better than anyone else. Alexa thought it was her, but Harry hid everything from her.

He needed to stop thinking. Thinking just made everything more complicated.

“I missed you, daddy,” Harry murmured. His cheeks were flushed. He was always embarrassed by this at first, always nervous, but Louis’ choked moan told him he shouldn’t be.

He relaxed.

“Yeah, baby?” Louis asked. “You missed daddy? You missed how I take care of you?”

Harry let out a moan and rubbed himself over the front of his suit pants. His head tipped back, a sigh escaping his lips.

“I’m touching myself, daddy,” he said. “In the back of my limo.”

Louis hummed. “Naughty boy, touching without permission. In public, too. If I were there I’d bend you over my lap and spank you.”

Harry moaned. “How many?”

“Ten,” Louis said. “Then you’d suck me off and you’d let me fuck your throat. I’d pull on your hair, use you to get off. You like that, don’t you, baby?”

“Yes, daddy. Love it when you fuck my mouth,” Harry whined. He unbuttoned his pants and shimmied them down his hips so his cock sprang free, hard and dripping, curved towards his belly. “Can I touch, daddy?”

“Go ahead, baby,” Louis said. “Jerk your pretty cock. Let the driver know that I’m the only one that can make you feel like this.”

Harry curled his fist around himself and cried out. He almost dropped his phone. He switched it on speaker phone and rested it against his chest.

“Haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all night,” he said. “Keep thinking about your hands on me. Can’t ever get enough of you, daddy. I miss you so much.”

Louis moaned. Harry could hear the slick, distinct sound of Louis jerking his cock through the phone.

“What are you thinking about, daddy?” Harry asked coyly. He flicked his wrist up and squeezed at the head of his cock. His toes curled in pleasure and he let out a soft whimper.

“You, baby,” Louis replied breathily. Harry loved it when he got worked up. “Thinking about your pretty lips stretched around my cock. Thinking about how pretty your noises are when I fuck you with my fingers.”

Harry dropped his fist from his cock and fumbled to get his wallet out of his back pocket. He pulled out a packet of lube and shimmied his pants down to his ankles. He pulled his feet up and spread his legs as he slicked up four fingers.

“How many fingers, daddy?” he asked.

“Two. Know you love it when it hurts a bit,” Louis said.

Harry keened and slid two fingers into himself. He loved the delicious mix of pain and pleasure blurred together. It was intoxicating.

“I’d play with your pretty nipples, too,” Louis continued. “You get so turned on when I play with them. Go ahead, baby, touch them.”

“ _Daddy_ ,” Harry moaned. He tossed his head back and slipped his hand under his shirt to get to his nipples. They were erect, brushing against the cotton of his button up. He whined, pressing his nail into a bud. He loved it when Louis played with his nipples. He was always so sensitive.

“I’m fucking myself on your cock,” Harry said. He added another finger and curled them into his prostate. “Your hands are all over me, jerking me off.”

He cut himself off with a loud keen. His hair was damp with sweat, pre-come dripping from his slit.

“Yeah, baby. Fucking yourself on daddy’s cock like a good boy,” Louis murmured. “Are you close, kitten? Are you going to come?”

“Gonna come, daddy,” Harry said.

His head lolled to the side, eyes clenched shut. He pulled his fingers out and wrapped them around his cock, jerking himself to a messy orgasm. He caught the come in his hand. It dripped from his fingers and onto his palm. Harry moaned at the sight.

“I’m coming, baby,” Louis whispered. His long, drawn out moan confirmed his release.

Harry reached for a tissue and wiped his hand soon. The line was silent for a few moments apart from their heavy breathing as they came down from their highs. Harry wiped at the head of his cock, hissing from sensitivity. He tucked himself back into his underwear and pulled his pants back over his hips.

“Was I good, daddy?” he asked.

“The best. Daddy’s best boy.” Harry heard Louis’ smile in his voice.

“God, I miss you,” Harry murmured. He sniffled, hit by a sudden burst of emotion. He loved Louis so fiercely. He wished he didn’t have to hide it.

“I miss you, too,” Louis whispered back. “When can I see you again?”

“Alexa goes out of town next weekend,” Harry said. “She’ll be gone Thursday until Tuesday evening. I’ll fly down to London on Friday and catch an early flight on Tuesday.”

“No, you stay where you are,” Louis said. “I’ll fly down to see you. Which house are you going to be at?”

“Come to the cottage in Ontario,” Harry answered. “I’m already in Toronto, it’ll be easier that way. I’ll be here until next Wednesday, then Alexa and I are heading back to London.”

“I can’t wait to see you,” Louis said. He always got affectionate after sex. Harry loved it. “I’ve missed being with you.”

“Me too,” Harry murmured. “I should probably go. I can’t miss my performance. My management team will have my head.”

Louis was reluctant to let him go, but he knew he had to. Goodbyes were never easy, especially when they didn’t know the next time they’d be able to speak again. But it would only be a little less than a week until Harry would be in his arms again, which made it a bit better.

“You’re gonna kick ass out there,” he said.

Harry snorted.

Louis yawned. Harry had forgotten that it was almost two in the morning in London while it was only eight thirty at night for him over in Canada. Time differences could suck his dick.

“Don’t stay up too late, okay?” Harry said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Louis replied fondly. “Talk to you soon.”

They stayed on the line for another moment, listening to each other’s breathing. Neither wanted to hang up. Eventually Louis did, after another quick round of “I love you.”

Harry had a bounce to his step as he entered the building. He located Alexa in the front row and took a seat beside her. If she smelt sex on him, she didn’t ask.

“Feeling better?” she asked.

Harry felt smug when he said, “Loads.”

-

_Harry Styles and girlfriend Alexa Young spotted buying baby clothes: are they expecting?_

Harry threw the magazine Niall handed to him on the floor. Of course he made it on the front page. _Of course_. He looked up at Niall and groaned, scowl prominent in his features.

Niall reached out and patted him on the shoulder.

“I doubt it’ll turn into a big deal,” he said. Niall sucked at being comforting, but Harry loved him anyway. “When the reporters ask you about it, because God knows they will, just say you were shopping for a friend. That is what you were doing, right?”

Harry nodded. “Alexa was buying them for her friend. Her baby shower is on tomorrow. Alexa’s flying out to New York to attend as we speak.”

“Just tell them that,” Niall said. “Media believe everything. It’s the fans you have to worry about, who all seem to think you’re dating anyway. Hitting the nail straight on the head, though. Clever girls, they are.”

Harry glanced around the bar nervously. Apart from him and Louis, Niall was the only one to know about their relationship. It made Harry anxious when they spoke about it in public places. Slip ups were deadly. Harry couldn’t afford it.

“Alexa’s catching on, too,” Harry told him. “She says we’re getting distant. I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t even think I’m ready.”

“As much as I’d like to say that you should come out when you’re ready, you can’t keep doing this to her. It’s wrong,” Niall said. “She’s in love with you, Harry. She’s in love with a boy that’s pretending to love her.”

Harry looked away. “Can we not talk about this?”

Niall sighed. “You’re going to have to talk about it someday.”

“Not today.”

Niall always gave in. He was too weak to push Harry to talk about the hard stuff. They had been friends since Harry was a kid, but they never talked about anything too heavy. Harry was fucked up. He couldn’t bear to say the details out loud.

“Alright,” Niall said.

As popular as Harry was, he didn’t have too many close friends. There was Niall, a friend he acquired back in grade school.

He met Liam when he was new to the scene, back when he was seventeen and Liam was eighteen. They were both young and fumbling, and they bonded over a mutual clueless towards other celebrities.

Zayn was twenty when they met. Two years older than Harry, he already had a name for himself. He made cool R&B albums, and he was the guy Harry wanted to become. Zayn wasn’t the type to settle down; he always had a new girl on his arm. He was beautiful; model thin, long eyelashes, full lips. He had intricate tattoos and one of the best voices Harry had ever heard. He felt like the luckiest guy on the planet when Zayn befriended him.

“I want to get drunk,” Harry said suddenly. He looked at his pint in distaste. “This is shit. Do shots with me. I want to get really out of it.”

Niall had never been one to process when things were bad decisions. He liked to have a good time just as much as the next person, maybe even more. His need to fit in had led him to make some dumbass decisions in the past, but it was all with good intentions.

“Hell yeah,” he said. “Liam and Zayn should join in on this. Text them while I order a round.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Are you sure you’re not already drunk? We’re in Canada, Niall.”

“Oh. Right.” Niall let out a giggle. Harry shot him an odd look.

 _Dumbass_ , he thought.

“We can have fun without them, though,” Harry said. “Bartender!”

Harry swallowed down a glass of hard liquor and ordered another round. He vaguely though about the drunken photos that would surely make the gossip section in the news the next day, but he couldn’t be assed to care. His best friend, someone he hadn’t seen in months, had flown across the world just to see him. He didn’t want to think about anything other than having fun.

Harry couldn’t remember the drink he was on when Niall pulled him by the hand and stood up on the bar with him. Harry raised his hands above his head and swayed his hips, loving loudly.

“Aye!” Niall cheered.             He moved to the music without a care in the world, happy and free. Harry loved Niall. He loved how carefree he became when they hung out.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Harry pulled it out and smiled when he saw the text was from Louis.

_You look like you’re having fun. Don’t get too drunk, wouldn’t want you to fall off the bar. Tell Niall I say hi. Love you xx._

Attached to the message were a few grainy cell phone photos of him and Niall dancing on the bar. Harry looked around. Everyone in the crowd seemed to have a phone pointing at them. He didn’t give a damn anymore.

Grinning stupidly, he texted, _So much fun! I’m so drunk, and you’re so pretty. I miss your face. I miss your cock… daddy. Love you, too! See you in a few days xx._

“Are you texting Alexa about updates on her pregnancy?”

Harry’s head whipped around. He felt his mouth go dry. He hated paparazzi. Fucking hated them.

“Fuck off!” he shouted. “She’s not fucking pregnant. Stop acting like you know shit.”

Niall, the more sober of the two, grabbed his shoulder. He carefully helped Harry down from the bar and guided him out of the pub. Harry was cursing at the people continuing to take his pictures. Niall pretended like he didn’t see him. He had one thing in mind: get Harry outside safely.

“Harry. _Harry_.” Niall pressed his palms to the side of his cheek. “Calm down, alright? We’re going to leave Toronto and go back up to your cottage now, okay? I’m going to stay the night just like we planned. When you wake up tomorrow, I’ll be on my flight to Ireland and Louis is going to be beside you. Alright? That sound good?”

Harry nodded. “Yeah. What the fuck happened?”

“Someone asked about Alexa’s made up pregnancy. You got really angry,” Niall said. “There’s going to be some interesting headlines tomorrow.”

Harry could see them now.

_Harry Styles flies off the rails: is a breakdown on the horizon?_

“Fuck my life,” he groaned.

-

Harry woke up to the safety of Louis’ arms and his safe smell. A smile spread across his lips. He nuzzled his face into the crook of Louis’ neck, tucking his nose into the hollow of his throat. Louis was warm and felt like comfort. He smelt like home.

Louis fingers gently combed through his hair. He pressed gentle kisses to Harry’s forehead, waking him up in the sweetest of ways. It had been far too long since they got to be together like this. The last time they saw each other had been a quick fuck in the back of Harry’s car when they were last in London together.

That was a month ago. Skype sex and phone calls didn’t feel anything like that moment right then, curled up Louis’ arms in the safety of his cottage in Muskoka. No paparazzi, no Alexa, no screaming fans. They were finally alone together.

“I missed you so much,” Louis murmured, breaking the gentle silence that was blanketed over them. “Felt like I couldn’t breathe without you.”

Harry made a noise that sounded like a sob. He pressed closer to Louis, arms wrapped tightly around his middle. He couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. They had been apart for too long.

“I missed you,” Harry whispered back desperately. Tears glinted in his eyes. He didn’t know why he had suddenly become so emotional, but he figured it could be based on the sudden rush of affection he felt for Louis.

His chest clenched. God, he missed him. He missed him so much it hurt. He missed the feeling of their bare skin pressed together, missed the tingles that shot through his body when Louis touched him. Harry missed the way Louis kissed him and the way he hugged him like they would never see each other again.

Sometimes it felt like he was made for loving Louis. He had never been so certain about anyone in his life. He hated what they were going through, he hated hiding, but he was too scared. Too fucking scared. He had Louis in private. He wasn’t ready to share what they had with the world.

He liked to think that Louis understood, that he was just as scared as Harry. But the truth is Louis didn’t have anything to be scared of. He had retired from TV news and had chosen to write for a paper instead. He wasn’t famous. His name was mainly only used to link him and Harry in yet another speculation by fans about their relationship.

It hurt the both of them. Harry hated that he was putting Louis through this. Louis was never closeted until he met Harry. Everyone in the world knew he was gay. He made no secret of it. But they didn’t know he was with Harry, no matter how much Louis wanted to scream it out loud. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But there was nothing Harry could say to make it better. He was too much of a coward. He feared judgement.

Louis rolled onto his side so they were facing each other. He pushed Harry’s hair back from his face, tucked his springy ringlets behind his ear. He moved closer to Harry so their noses were pressed together, arms winded tightly around each other.

Harry grinned.

“I love you,” he said quietly. His voice was low, as if not to disturb the peace in the room.

“I love you, too,” Louis whispered in return.

He leaned forward to press a kiss to Harry’s lips. Harry smiled into their kisses, hands coming up to cup Louis’ cheeks. Harry rolled on top of him, straddling his hips. Louis’ hands slipped under his shirt, running up and down his back.

“Do you want to fuck me, daddy?” Harry asked coyly. His lips brushed against Louis’ as he spoke.

Louis sucked in a breath. His fingertips dug into Harry’s fleshy sides.

“Take of your clothes and get on your hands and knees,” Louis ordered.

He kissed Harry’s pretty lips, then patted him on the ass to get him to move. Harry rolled off his lap kneeled on the bed. He pulled his boxers down his skinny legs, pleased that he had chosen not to sleep in pajama pants. He lifted his shirt over his head next, purposely brushing his fingers over his nipples to make himself squirm.

His clothes landed in a heap on the floor, piled on Louis’ pants and underwear. He heard Louis rummaging around for what he assumed to be lube and condoms in his suitcase as he got into the position Louis wanted him in.

He bent his elbows so his front half was leaning against the mattress, his ass up in the air. The bed dipped when Louis climbed back on. He slapped Harry’s right cheek; not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make a sound.

Harry moaned, pushing his hips back into Louis’ hand.

“More, daddy,” he said.

“Why, baby?” Louis asked. “Have you been a bad boy? Do you need daddy to put you back in line?”

He didn’t give Harry a chance to respond. He landed another slap on his cheek, turning his pale skin a blushing pink. Harry whined, pushing his cheek into the pillow.

“Yeah,” Louis murmured, rubbing his hands over Harry’s skin. “All you need is a rough hand to make you good.”

Harry mouthed at his pillow, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He frantically reached behind him for Louis’ hand, interlocking their fingers.

“What do you need, baby?” Louis asked.

Harry sniffled, turning his face into the pillow. He remained quiet for a few seconds to collect himself. Louis gently ran his fingers over Harry’s back, soothing him.

“Wanna ride you,” Harry said.

Louis sat back against the headboard. He patted his lap, motioning for Harry to get comfortable.

“Come here, baby,” he said. “Come here so daddy can open you up.”

Harry straddled Louis’ hips and winded his arms around his neck. Gentle lips trailed kisses down his neck, sucking a careful love bite into Harry’s collarbone. Harry moaned, tilting his head back. He tangled his fingers in Louis’ hair, pulling on the strands.

Louis huffed out a laugh against Harry’s neck. He shivered at the sudden burst of hot breath. He could feel Louis’ smile against his skin.

“You like that?” he asked.

Harry nodded, tightening his grip on the light brown strands of Louis’ hair.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

Louis kissed up Harry’s neck, leaving a wet trail with his tongue. Harry’s eyes slipped shut, a soft moan leaving his lips. Louis gently nibbled at his ear lobe, grinning when Harry’s breathing sped up.

“Love you, baby.” Louis kissed him, pulling him closer.

“Love you, too,” Harry whispered.

Louis reached for the lube, slicking up three of his fingers. He intertwined his free hand with Harry’s, thumb stroking over the back of his knuckles.

Louis slipped his hand underneath him, stroking his fingers over his hole. Harry whined, tucking his head underneath Louis’ chin.

“ _Daddy_ ,” he moaned.

Louis kissed him on the cheek. He slipped two fingers in up to the knuckles, rewarded with Harry’s pretty moans. He squeezed his hand.

“Pretty baby,” he murmured. “Daddy’s good boy.”

Harry keened. He reached up to rub over his nipple with his free hand, and shook. His thighs twitched, spastic.

“Fuck me, daddy,” he pleaded, mouthing at Louis’ skin. “ _Please_.”

Louis shushed him. He murmured comforting nonsense to him as he ripped open the foil packet and rolled the condom on. He lubed himself up and rubbed the tip of his cock over Harry’s hole.

“ _Please_ ,” Harry whispered desperately.

He positioned himself over Louis’ cock and sank down on him. His fingers clenched into Louis’ shoulders, his head tipped back in pleasure. He rolled his hips down onto Louis’ and felt his cock rub against his prostate, sending shivers of pleasure up his spine.

Louis spanned his hands out over Harry’s chest. He watched him with wide eyes, feeling the erratic beating of Harry’s heart under his fingertips.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured.

He brushed his thumbs over Harry’s nipples, hands roaming over his chest. Harry looked so pretty like this; chest flushed, lips swollen.

“My pretty baby,” Louis whispered, pressing a kiss between his nipples.

Somewhere in the distance, a door to the cottage slammed shut. Harry froze. He felt Louis tense up.

“Harry?”

 _Alexa_.

“Shit!” Harry cursed.

Frantically, he scrambled off of Louis. Harry pulled him up for the bed and pushed him towards the closet. He tossed Louis’ clothes at him and pushed him inside, eyes wide with panic.

“You need to hide. Don’t make any sound,” Harry said. “We’ll sneak you out when Alexa leaves.”

Louis opens his mouth to speak, but Harry holds his finger over his lips. He closes the door and dives for the bed, pulling the covers over himself just in time.

Alexa entered the room, humming to herself. Louis held his breath, watching her and Harry through a crack in the closet door.

“Hey,” Harry said, trying to come across as nonchalant. “You’re home early. Days early. What happened to Chloe’s baby shower?”

Alexa shrugged. “Her water broke. She’s going into three week premature labour. I caught the first flight back to Toronto as soon as I could. Got your driver to take me up here.”

Harry pursed his lips. “Ah. Is she going to be okay?”

“She’ll be fine,” Alexa said. “I won’t be allowed to see her for a few days, so I figured I might as well come back here. I’ll fly back out to New York on Sunday.”

Harry nodded. Alexa sat down on the bed and pulled a face. She could smell the stench of sex. Harry knew it.

“Was someone in here?” she asked. “I could have sworn I heard you moaning.”

Harry blushed.

“I was watching porn,” he said slowly, the lie tumbling easily from his lips.

“Oh.” She looked away. “Will you be okay if I go for a drive? I want to clear my head. It was a stressful flight.”

Harry shook his head. “Go ahead. Will you pick up some marshmallows? We can roast some tonight.”

Louis pretended that the comment didn’t sting. He wanted to be doing that kind of stuff with Harry, not Alexa. He hated her presence. He wanted to hate her, too, but she was a sweetheart. It was impossible to hate her. Resent, yes, but not hatred.

“Sure.” Alexa leaned forward and kissed him. Harry hoped she couldn’t taste Louis on his tongue.

As soon as she was gone, Louis pushed open the closet door, pulling his pants up his legs. Harry reached for him, but Louis shook him off.

“I had no idea—”

“Save it,” Louis cut him off. “I’m going home. I’ll drive myself to the airport and change my ticket. I can’t stay here with her here, obviously.”

“Lou—”

Louis pressed one last kiss to his lips and stepped back.

“It was good to see you,” he said bitterly, and walked out the door.

“Louis!”

Harry ran after him, but it was too late. Louis climbed into the car and pulled out of the driveway, leaving Harry standing naked in the middle of his driveway.

-

Louis didn’t come around for a while. Harry left countless voicemails over the course of two weeks, texted him a million times, but all he got in response was a snappy “ _I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’m still mad at you.”_ Harry was starting to lose hope again.

Still, he continued to try.

He was drunk off his ass with Zayn in London. He had left Louis a series of texts, who had said _“are you drunk?”_ in response. Harry was one drink away from forgetting everything. But Louis was nagging at him, his thoughts begging him to make up. His brained screamed at him to let go, but his heart convinced him to stay.

He was always a sucker for Louis.

Harry disappeared outside, leaving Zayn at the table with his friends. Harry didn’t know them, and he didn’t care to. They were all so loud and mean. Harry liked peaceful and nice.

He sat down on a railing and watched as a drunken couple stumbled by, groping and kissing. The girl lost her balance and fell onto the grass, her boyfriend landing on top of her. She giggled and he swooped into kiss her.

Harry had to look away. Seeing other couples, happy and in love, made him miss Louis even more.

If only he would return his damn calls.

He dialed Louis’ number before he knew what he was doing. He was frantic, murmuring pleads to himself that Louis wouldn’t send him to voicemail again.

He was relieved when Louis picked up. He hadn’t heard Louis’ voice in two weeks. He felt hot tears build up in his eyes, blurring his vision.

“Harry—”

Harry cut him off.

“Stop ignoring me,” he pleaded. “I can’t do this anymore, Louis. I love you. And you ignoring me has started to make me feel like you don’t love me anymore.”

Louis made a choking sound. “I’ll always love you, Harry. Don’t you remember when we promised each other forever?”

“Yes.” Tears spilled over, racing down Harry’s cheeks. “I thought you had forgotten.”

“No, baby,” Louis said. Harry tightened his grip on the phone. “I just needed time to think. I don’t want to hide anymore. It’s too much. I can’t keep pretending like I’m not madly in love with you. A stunt like Alexa almost catching us together can’t happen again.”

“They’re going to hate me,” Harry sobbed.

“Who’s going to hate you?” Louis asked.

“ _Everyone_.”

“Harry. _Harry_. No one is going to hate you,” Louis murmured. His comforting tone fell on deaf ears.

“I can’t come out, Louis,” Harry said. Tears rolled off his chin. “I’m not ready. I’m not ready for the world to know that I’m—that I’m gay.”

Louis sighed. “Okay, baby. Okay. We won’t come out yet. But we can’t keep hiding forever.”

“I know,” Harry whispered. His head was pounding, a harsh throbbing over his eyebrow. He clenched his eyes shut. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” Louis said. “Go home, okay? Get Zayn to call a cab for you. I’ll stay on the phone with you.”

Harry nodded to himself. “Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Home. Home sounds good.”

“Go get Zayn, baby,” Louis said. “Get him to call a cab.”

Harry located him where he had left him, slumped over the counter at the bar. He shook his shoulder, rousing Zayn from his alcohol induced haze.

“Call a cab for me?” he asked.

“What’s wrong with your phone?” Zayn said. He rolled his eyes at his friend, who laughed.

“I’m on the phone with Alexa,” Harry lied. “Call a cab for me, will you?”

Zayn huffed, but he dialed one for Harry. He gave Harry a quick hug to say goodbye before he went back to his drink. Harry often wondered why they were friends. Zayn wasn’t ever too interested in his life, but he was loyal, and Harry needed that.

Louis rambled to him the whole cab ride back to his house. Alexa’s car was in the driveway, but Harry didn’t bother going to say goodnight to her. All the lights were off, so he figured she had already gone to bed.

He curled up in the guest bedroom, phone pressed to his ear. He was sleepy all of a sudden. Alcohol tended to make him tired. And emotional. He couldn’t forget all the drunken tears he had cried.

“Louis?” Harry said.

“Hmm?” Louis hummed.

“I love you,” Harry said. “And I want to marry you.”

“You’re drunk,” Louis stated.

“Maybe. But I’ve wanted to marry you for ages,” Harry replied. He yawned. “I’m tired.”

“Go to sleep, baby,” he said. “Come see me soon, okay? Promise me.”

“I promise,” Harry said. “Goodnight.”

“Love you,” Louis murmured.

“Love you, too,” Harry murmured back.

He didn’t have to be sober to know that Louis was the one. He felt safe like this; complete. Harry fell asleep with a smile on his face, listening to Louis breathe.

-

Alexa came downstairs rolling a suitcase. Harry looked up from the TV and furrowed his eyebrows. He paused mid sip from drinking his coffee and muted the program he had been watching.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Charlotte’s,” Alexa said. “I’m going to spend some time there while we sort ourselves out.”

Harry frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Alexa left her by the front door and sat beside him on the couch. She brushed a loose strand of hair back into her bun and took his hand.

“We’ve been drifting. I’ve noticed, and I know you have, too,” she said. Her eyes were sad and wet with tears. “We need some space. Maybe we’ll find each other again, or maybe we won’t. But either way we need this break.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered. He looked down, unable to meet her eyes. His guilt was unwavering.

She squeezed his hand.

“I’ve made you my life,” she said. “I’ve made you my everything. Feeling you pull away from me has made me realize that I’ve forgotten who I am outside of this relationship. I forget who Alexa Young is. All I know is Harry’s girlfriend, Alexa.”

Tears swam in Harry’s eyes. He pulled Alexa in for a tight hug, rubbing her back gently. She gripped his shoulders, getting his skin wet with her hot tears. Guilt ate away at Harry, left an unfixable hole in his heart. He could never take back what he had done to Alexa. He could never make it better.

“I love you,” Alexa whispered. “I love you so much, and that’s why I’m doing this. Because I don’t want to lose you.”

Harry choked on a sob. He buried his face in her neck, muffling his cries in her skin. She brought her hand up to play with his hair.

“It’s okay, we’re okay,” she said. “Things are gonna be alright.”

Harry just cried harder. Alexa was so sweet and she loved him so much. He didn’t deserve her, not after how he had treated her over two years. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to confess, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He was too much of a coward.

“I’m so sorry,” he said thickly. “So fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she murmured.

“It’s not okay,” Harry sobbed into her neck. “It’s not.”

They held each other on the couch for a while, crying together. She cried because she loved him, and Harry cried because he was the asshole that had faked a relationship with her to save his reputation behind her back.

Harry wanted to love her. He wanted to give her the relationship she thought she had with him, but he couldn’t. So he wept, because there was nothing else to do.

-

Harry surprised Louis that night. He drove up to his house and walked up to the door. Knuckles wrapped on the wood. He heard Louis’ footsteps towards the door, and he rolled his shoulders back. A smile easily spread over his lips.

Louis’ jaw dropped when he opened the door.

“Harry?”

Harry grinned. “Hi.”

Louis let out a joyful laugh. He rushed forward and threw his arms around Harry’s neck, pressing his smile into his skin. Harry giggled, picking Louis up and twirling him around. He swallowed him in his arms, keeping him close so he couldn’t slip away.

“You came,” Louis said. “You’re actually here, oh my god.”

“Let’s go inside, let’s go lay down,” Harry said.

Louis squeezed him tight for a few seconds, reluctant to let him go. Then he pulled back and slipped his fingers into Harry’s. He couldn’t bear the thought of not touching him, even for few seconds. They had been apart for too long.

They curled up in Louis’ bed, Harry’s head on his chest. He hadn’t been over to Louis’ place in ages; well over a year now. It was too risky, so Louis always came to him. Harry missed being here, missed the distinct smell of Louis that covered every surface.

Harry slipped his hand up Louis’ shirt, feeling the softness of his stomach. Louis giggled, turning his face into his hair.

“That tickles,” he murmured.

Harry let out a breathy laugh. He lifted his leg, slung it over Louis’ waist so they could be closer. A millimetre of space between them felt like a kilometre.

“Alexa and I are on a break,” Harry finally said. He knew he needed to tell Louis what was going on, but he didn’t want to break up their overdue reunion with unwanted angst.

“Did something happen?” Louis asked.

Harry shook his head. “No. She just came down this morning with a packed suitcase and told me that she’s going to her friend Charlotte’s. She said that she can feel us drifting.”

“You need to tell her, Harry,” Louis said. “You need to tell her that we’re together. She can already sense something wrong. If you keep up this charade it’s only going to get worse.”

Harry remained quiet for a few moments. He knew Louis was right, but he didn’t want to admit it. He needed to tell Alexa, but he didn’t know how. Saying _“I know we’ve been dating for two years and that you’re in love with me, but I’ve been cheating on you for a long time now. But here’s the catch: it’s not with another girl, it’s with a boy”_ was a pretty shitty thing to say to the girl who had given herself to him when she was nineteen years old.

Harry breathed out shakily.

“Pass me my phone,” he said.

Louis pressed it into his palm. He placed a gentle kiss to Harry’s forehead as he dialed Alexa’s number. He slipped his hand up Harry’s back to rub soothing circles onto his back.

“Miss me already?” Alexa asked when she picked up. Her tone was too light for the conversation ahead. Harry didn’t want to hear her happiness drain out of her, but he deserved that kind of pain after everything.

“Lex, do you have time to talk?” he said.

He heard her frown in her voice. “Yeah, let me just go to the other room. Is everything okay?”

“No,” Harry said. Tears sprang up, but he willed them away. He didn’t deserve to cry. He deserved to suffer.

“Talk to me, baby. What’s going on?” she asked.

Harry choked. “Lex, I’m gay.”

She was quiet for a while. Harry turned his face into Louis’ hot chest to muffle the sound of his tears and listen to her ragged breathing.

“I know,” she finally said.

“You do? How?” Harry asked.

“You checked out guys. You didn’t like to have sex with me. You didn’t kiss me for the first three months we were dating,” Alexa said. “And, most of all, in your sleep you told me that you were.”

“Why didn’t you end things?” Harry asked.

“Because I was hoping that it wasn’t true,” she answered, voice thick with tears. “I know it doesn’t work like that, but I hoped. You’re dating Louis, aren’t you?”

“How did you know?” Harry said.

“Because I saw the way you looked at each other the night of the red carpet,” she said. “I just knew the two of you felt something that day. I didn’t think much of it, but once you started getting all secretive I knew. I just didn’t do anything about it because I was too stupid to realize that I couldn’t make you straight.”

“I’m so sorry,” Harry said. “I didn’t want to do this. It just happened. I love you, Alexa, but not like that. I don’t want to lose you. I want to remain friends.”

“I want that, too,” she said. “I’m pissed off, and my feelings are hurt. I don’t understand why you chose me.”

“Me neither,” Harry admitted. “I wish I could take it all back.”

“Me too,” Alexa said. She sounded like she was crying. Harry wanted to tell her he was kidding, that he had been faithful and that he really was in love with her, but he couldn’t. Their relationship was over. She knew he was gay. There was no going back from this.

“I want you to keep the cottage in Canada,” Harry said. Alexa scoffed. “I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I want you to have it. I want you to have someplace to go where you feel safe, and I know how much you loved it there.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. Harry heard the distinct sound of her crying. “Listen, Harry, I gotta go. Don’t call me for a while, okay? I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk to you again.”

“I understand,” Harry said. “I love you, okay? Like a sister. And I’m really sorry.”

“Bye, Harry.” The line went dead.

Harry dropped his phone against his chest. He curled up against Louis and let himself cry. Alexa had given him everything, and all he managed to give to her was a cottage and a broken heart. He hated himself.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Louis whispered.

It wasn’t, but they both already knew that. Harry fell asleep in Louis’ arms, exhausted and angry at himself for everything he had done.

-

_“I’m tired of hiding who I am. I want to come out. I want the world to know.”_

_“Fine. But under one condition: we don’t get thrown under the bus.”_

There he was, scheduled to go out and do the biggest interview he had in his life. He wrung his hands nervously. He had been sweating all day, his light blue T-shirt now turned navy at the pits.

He had come out the day before in a written interview, but now everything was being confirmed. On video. On live TV. Harry’s heartrate refused to slow.

Louis placed a comforting hand on his back.

“You sure about this?” he asked.

Harry nodded. “I’m ready.”

Louis slipped his hand into Harry’s and squeezed. They walked out on stage and were met with the screaming of fans and interviewers shouting questions. Harry looked at Louis and smiled.

“I love you,” Louis whispered, private for his ears only.

“You too,” Harry said.

It was going to be okay. Harry knew it. He could take anything thrown at him because he had Louis by his side for when it went wrong.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Louis’ neck, pulling him in for a deep kiss. The crowd erupted in shouts, but Harry couldn’t bring himself to care. Louis loved him, and he loved Louis, and that was the only thing that mattered anymore. He was too busy loving himself to pay attention to anything else.

He raised their clasped hands above their head and smiled.


End file.
